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fic: Santa Clarita: Alien Christmas 2/?

Santa Clarita: Alien Christmas 2 of ?
by Max

Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing

The large silver trailer in the driveway had no lights on in it.

Duo banged harder. “God! What are you? Dead? Get up!”

Green eyes opened the slightest sliver. Thoughts of death did go through Trowa’s head. He wasn’t sure he wanted to kill Duo or if he wanted to kill the foster parents who were, obviously, drugging him somehow. That ought to be some kind of child abuse and if Duo was acting like a child, then he could be abused like a child. “We should sue for custody,” Trowa whispered.

“Lawyers already working on it,” Quatre hissed back. “I’m not sure what kind of drugs they’re on, but I want to find out.”


Duo banged again, hard enough to shake the travel trailer, posh or not. “Get up! Come on! I wanna introduce you to Sandy!”

Quatre arched an eyebrow, his stomach churning, head hurting just a bit. Alcohol might be forbidden, but such rules had never controlled him. “Allah save us. What time is it?”

Trowa groaned. “A little after 4 in the morning. Isn’t Sandy his parole officer?”

“Tell him we’re coming,” Quatre said coldly, mission like a blade in his voice.

A moment later a hastily dressed Trowa opened up the security panel in the center of the door so he could talk through the filtered bullet proof glass. “We’re coming.”

Duo grinned back, fingers laced behind his back. He wore blue overalls, his black hat, and a long sleeved red shirt. “Don’t wear nothing nice,” Duo said and actually hopped up and down for a moment.

Trowa slammed the security panel shut to hide the shock on his face. “Quatre, hurry up. Something is very wrong here.”

Quatre wore jeans and a tee-shirt, running shoes. He handed Trowa a cup of coffee, painkiller already added to the traditional morning beverage. “Well, let’s go meet Sandy. I’m going to see that he’s fired for lack of proper oversight. Last night, this seemed so real.. Heero believes what he’s experiencing is real. It’s like... the Stepford Wives or something.”

“We’ll get to the bottom of it.”

When they emerged, they found Duo and Wufei sipping something that smelled like hot chocolate with cinnamon. Wufei wore black pants, boots, a white tee-shirt, and a bit of color to his cheeks like he’d been working out. He looked Trowa in the eyes, held the gaze for a moment, then said, “Duo has an excellent obstacle course laid out. You should try it.”

“Your enthusiasm does nothing for my head,” Quatre snapped.

“Still! When your head feels better,” Wufei chided, “You should try running the obstacle course.”

“Yeah, man,” Duo said. “After chores though. Come on! I can’t wait for you to meet Sandy!” Duo motioned as he headed towards a smaller barn to the south.

“Your parole officer lives in the barn,” Trowa asked, hands in his pockets as he followed after.

“Naw! He lives in town. You met him last night. He was the short guy with no hair. This Sandy is my friend not that the other isn’t. They’re both cool, but in different ways.”

Quatre took a deep breath. All the enthusiasm was a little contagious and being in Duo’s presence made it really hard to deny that he was just genuinely happy. In the time he’d known Duo, he’d just never really felt these emotions from him. He’d had rage and victory, sorrow, suicidal moments, utter lust, cunning and predatory hunger, but never just simple trust and happiness. Duo didn’t seem muddled like someone on a mood altering drug likely would.  “Does your friend work here?”

“Naw! Sandy lives in this barn.  Well, when it’s cold she stays in my lab, but I have to sneak her in.  Mary freaks the fuck out when I bring her in the house. Sandy’s finding a little hard to get a job.” The barn was red, with black cross beams and smelled of hay and coffee. “It’s not so bad though. I fixed up the barn for her.”

“God, that coffee smells delicious,” Quatre said, perking up.

“Sandy does love her coffee,” Duo said. “From when she was real little even.”

The inside of the barn was set up a bit like a small apartment, but all the counters were set low to the ground, with big round buttons for the controls on most things.  There was a TV playing the morning news. A great big sow sat on a green cushion. The host made a joke and the pig laughed, a human sounding laugh.

Trowa remained expressionless, but Wufei’s mouth fell open and Quatre’s mouth got covered by his hand.

“Hey! Sandy!” Duo said, “These are my friends, Q, Wu, and Tro. Q wants some coffee. That okay with you?”

The big pink head turned to look over her shoulder. “Sure. Of course. It’s very nice to meet you! I’ve watched so many documentaries about you all!” As she spoke, she got up and moved towards them. She wore a black leather headset with a speaker strapped to her head.

Quatre fainted dead away, falling into Trowa’s arms.  

Sandy’s ears twitched. “Apparently, we are too late with the coffees”

“Apparently,” Wufei said, eyes wide, attention torn between the talking pig and Trowa carrying a collapsed Quatre, and as he thought about it, back to Duo standing there with overalls, an eye patch, and a stupid grin. Passing out seemed like a perfectly rational response. “Duo. The. Pig. Is. Talking.”

“There’s no need to be rude,” Sandy said. “If I’d known you were coming, I’d have started a second pot earlier. Duo-chan, is your friend sick? His body temperature is high. Maybe he’d like to have a roll in my mud?”

Wufei’s breath caught in his throat, a hard ball of paradox seizing up his whole being. The hardness moved to his jaw, his cheeks, made his eyes feel like they were going to pop out of his head. He’d been so good. Somehow consciousness started with the death of his wife or maybe his life had just started then, some gift of hers to him in hard to understand ways. Then there had been the wars and the trial and he’d gone home to be a good ruler, a good boy, a good man, a good this and a good that and always there had been rules and meaning and firm guidelines to the world. Hatred, anger, fear, blood, death, payment.. there had been so much need to pay back debts that couldn’t even be counted.. but there he was, on Christmas day, in a pig’s studio apartment in a barn, the scent of coffee in the air and the image of Quatre Raberba Winner waist deep in a pig’s mud hole, sipping latte and discussing Picasso and Rothko with a great big pink pig. He erupted with laughter, both hands over his mouth until he went to his knees, laughter ripping through the rest of his life like waking from a dream.

Duo went to his knees, hands on Wufei’s shoulders. “Wu! Man! What’s wrong? Sandy! Go get Martha!”

“Okay!” She bolted out the door, moving fast.

Wufei shifted away from Duo, going on all fours for a moment, until he could get up and watch Sandy racing for the house. Still laughing, he staggered into the door and said in a breathy voice, “Holy Fuck! She’s fast! Do you run the obstacle course with her?”

“Uh.. yeah, sometimes. Wu... it’s not like she’s the first pig you’ve ever talked to.”

“Actually,” Wufei said, sinking back down to the floor. “She is. I didn’t know they could run like that either. Look at her go! Duo... you built that? What’s she’s wearing? Did you mod her brain?”

“Naw. It’s just mostly an eeg and a speaker system, a bit of software. Heero helped me a bit after he got here.”

“Oh yeah, that’s all. I’ll never think of bacon the same.”

“What’s bacon got to do with it?”

A look of terror flashed over Wufei’s dark eyes. “We should go check on Quatre. I worry about the fever Sandy mentioned.”

“Okay, Wu. Don’t worry. Martha’s amazing as a doc.”

“I so can’t wait for Peacecraft to meet Sandy. That’s going to be pretty amazing as well. Maybe Sandy can share her mud with Quatre and Relena?”

Duo giggled. He held out his hand to help Wufei up. “Well, that would be pretty funny.”


Sandy barely fit on the stairs that lead down to Martha’s clinic. “Hello! Martha!”

Martha groaned and slammed her mug down on the desk. One eye twitching she stomped over to the stairs. “What are you doing in the house, Sandy? For that matter, how did you get in? I have all the doors closed.”

“Oh like a doorknob is hard to turn. Duo’s blond friend collapsed and the other one seems to have some kind of mental epilepsy. He said to come get you.”

Martha really wanted a martini. “Fine, but you weigh almost 300 pounds and you’re tracking dirt on my floor! Out!”

Sandy’s little black eyes rolled a bit as she contemplated trying to back up the stairs. She hadn’t actually thought that far and she’d been half her size the last time she had come into the lab. “Um. Maybe I’m stuck. I should come down and turn around.”

Martha growled, but got out of the way. “There is a pig in my lab. Fucking Christmas.”

“Don’t be a speciesist,” Sandy chided. “At least I don’t have such great big teats like you.”

Martha’s mouth dropped open, snapped shut. She grabbed her medical kit. “At least I’m not made out of bacon! I’m not delicious. See your way out of my lab!”

She stormed up the stairs. She did not want any more visitors! She pitched the idea of moving to her lover’s home state of Wyoming because it had a low population! Hosting the leaders of the Earthsphere and l4 and l5 clusters.. that just wasn’t Martha’s idea of a good time. Letting one of them die or even get seriously sick on her home campus was NOT on the menu. If the mouthy little blond was actually sick, she was going to put him back together if she had to send him home with spare parts.


Bacon... Sandy wanted to know about this... what was bacon? It had been mentioned in the cooking show as well. She gingerly found her way through Martha’s lab to a computer terminal that looked like the one she had. Long slender typing appendages unfolded from her head gear and she opened a new browser window on the unlocked computer, a computer not set up with the filtering protocol Heero had so very carefully devised. She couldn’t type very fast with only three slender appendages, but soon she had typed in ‘Wat is baycon?”

It turned out it was a science fiction convention in California and it sounded like a lot of fun! Maybe they could go if Duo could keep from fucking up and getting his parole extended again. The idea of cosplay was completely new and she imagined herself dressing up as ... maybe as Ariel or Lara Croft! That idea was very exciting!

But you couldn’t eat Baycon.. and if you couldn’t eat it, it wasn’t delicious. She pressed the button for verbal commands. “What is bacon,” she asked just as Heero’s shadow fell over the stairs.


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