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Personal: Today

I have so much to get done this weekend!

I'm going to go get my walking in. This will be the 5th day I met my goal of 1300 points.. about two hours of walking or 45 min of running. I can't run yet.. I mean.. I can.. but it kills my knees to death. 

I'm going to write like a fiend today! New story.. not sure what story I'm working on, but I'm going to make great progress! 

I'm also going to clean my room.  The allergies have been intense for a while and I'm going to get rid of all the clutter and dust accumulation... I'm going to throw a way a lot of stuff I don't use anymore. This place will be smooth! 

I think some of the holding onto this stuff is about wanting to hold onto when my kids were little... feeling like I didn't get quite the outcome I wanted.

Life isn't like one of my stories. I can't just keep rewriting things until the ending feels right.

There are a lot of things that can be fixed and changed and moved forward.. but they're moving forward.. not rewriting.

I had a therapist once.. a nice posh one paid for by insurance, not by victim's services.. but this woman, in her fancy office.. she talked to me about this process called re-parenting. It's like.. you address your inner child and provide the parenting that you didn't get.. you give yourself the love and kindness and nurturing that you didn't get.

I really liked that idea and I was doing something like that with my Jewls the Lucky character... I started him as a child and gave him a loving parent... There were lots of challenges and things for him in his life. It's fiction.. fiction is boring if it's all about how wonderful the cookies are.  Then it's not fiction.. it's a cookbook :)

Still.. when I blur the lines of me and Jewls and rewrite some of who I am and how I see the world with how he sees the world... the world is a lot better.

That was like in... *squints* 2007.

Just today.. I realize... while there is a lot to be learned in that process and I'm grateful for having learned it... There is also something damaging in that process.

I'm not Jewls. I can't just erase my past unless I want to erase me.

Like the book I just released.. I'm not perfect. I don't do everything I wish I did. I'm never going to be all the things I wanted to be. I'm never going to be at President Obama's first or second inauguration. The past is gone.  That makes me cry... stings my eyes. I don't want the past to be gone. I don't want the days with little kids who loved me to be gone. I don't want all the loves that didn't come out right to be gone.

You know what's more exciting though?  What's more powerful?

Right now. 

This very moment when 'Mr. Saxobeat' is on the radio and I'm dancing and for a split second in my imagination I'm in a night club! I'm dancing.. the music is loud, so loud it caresses me and I feel my presence in the real world. I don't know who I'm with or if I'm alone. I don't know what city I'm in.. because it could be anywhere in the world.. or in a human settlement off planet.... though I bleeding hope it's not that far away! *laughs* 

I put my desk up to a full stand desk today. Today I clean my room. Today I've got my feet firmly in today.

I don't even want to be perfect. If I were perfect I'd be made of stone... or some immutable substance...

I want to be brilliant.. vibrant.. rebellious.. delicious...

Today is fantastic!

Max

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