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Fic: A Pistol, a Condom, and a Soda Pop

A pistol, a condom, and a soda pop
by Pink Whirlwind

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

Inspired by this pic:

Duo whirled the wrench around, settled it on his shoulder as he surveyed the engine he'd put back in the jeep. Braid tucked into the back of his grey tee-shirt, jeans and tee-shirt alike smeared with good old fashioned engine sludge, he looked every bit as proud as he felt. Blow'in shit up was fun, but puttin it back together was better. After the wars, he was going get a garage of his own, with an apartment over the place and a room for him, and one for Heero too.

Humming to himself, he grabbed up a rag, cleaned off the wrench before putting it back.

"Hey, kid," the owner of the garage called out. "I got burgers. You eat meat, don't you? You get that carburetor sorted out?"

Duo took a deep breath, let the big wrench drop back into place on the wall with a small clang. "Yeah, carburetor's all fixed. I kinda went a little bit farther."

"I know I was gone a while. Thanks for watching the shop for me, Mac."

Duo caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror over the sink as he washed his hands, violet eyes looking way older than fifteen, the faintest hint of black eye lingering from his last formal mission. "Thanks for letting me. Six hours ain't really all that long. I could stay a couple days, you know, if you wanted."

"Come eat, uh? I really got to get that jeep put back together."

"Uh, about that," Duo said, hands clean now.

"Oh damn, Mac, tell me you didn't fuck around with the jeep?"

"So you brought me burgers?" Duo grinned. He plopped down in the spare chair by the little dining room table that had been in the garage way too long to ever find a place in a house again. "Pop too?"

"Greedy little bastard," Alfred teased, as he nodded. He reached into the grocery bag, pulled out a couple of orange sodas with the long necks between his fingers. "Fries, and  a vit pack too. I picked up some cash to pay you for watching my place here. You know, you could stay on for a while, Mac. I could teach you how to work with engines. We could maybe find some family."

While Alfred talked, Duo had sucked down the first burger and was making hungry eyes at the other one.  Alfred pushed it across the table to him.

"So - you're from one of the colonies right?"

"L2." Duo allowed, a quarter way through the second burger. "No family."

"How'd you get to Earth," Alfred asked.

Duo grabbed enough fries to make a very solid mouthful, violet eyes narrowing. "Stowed away," he mumbled. It was true. Stowing away did start him on the path to Earth. "Like my privacy, you know?"

"Mac, it's a dangerous world right now. I get that. You can have your privacy and you can stay on a bit. I had a son once. Damn fool went off and joined the Alliance."

"I'm sorry," Duo said, meaning all the Alliance people he'd sent into the afterlife.

Alfred sat down, took a few fries. "So you screwed around with my jeep?"

"Yup." Duo opened one of the pops and when Alfred looked in the jeep's direction he put the second in his knapsack. "Fixed a button starter."

"Oh baby boy, why waste all that time?  That thing ain't going to be running any time soon. The cylinders need to be rebored. I'll show you how to do that."

"Um," Duo said, letting his soda linger. "I like engines."

"Good," Alfred smiled. "It's a real good job skill. You done any school?"


"The school here, it ain't too picky about IDs and stuff."

The temptation to trust this old man was like sweet shadowy fairies lingering by the lakeside, telling tales of magical swords. Fairies weren't real and the only person he had half a hope of expecting anything good from was Heero, well, maybe the other pilots. Trusting Heero wasn't rational, but Duo couldn't stop himself anyway.  "Yeah, school's not really my thing."

"So let me see what  you did to my poor old jeep." Alfred gave another smile, gentle and encouraging.

"I couldn't find the keys," Duo admitted. "I hotwired it, to make sure it worked, before I put in the button ignition. Got the button switch off the broken music player in the back"

Alfred's eyes went wide.


The temptation to trust Alfred was really pretty strong and that could only lead to bad things. While Alfred was over checking out his jeep, which turned over and purred like a cat with a pet cow, Duo grabbed up the rest of the fries, shifted his pack over one shoulder and made for the door.

Madelyn, the lady who ran the cafe in town, came scrambling through the door. "Fred! There's a mobile suit! He says all the girls in town have to come to the base or he's going to destroy the town."

Like a shadow Duo had already melted away out of sight.

"What do you say, Madelyn? Did anyone call the base to complain?"

"The signals are all jammed! I can't let him my Annie!" Fred gripped her shoulder, his expression one of frustration, building grief. "He can have the town then. We'll all make a run for it."

Duo stepped forward, just a little. "You all don't have a suit here in town?"

"Oh," Alfred said, eyebrows arching up, "You mean do we keep a spare contraband leo lying around under the park?"


"No, of course not, you fool."

"Do they do this often? Shake the town down and all?"

"Mac, you'll come with us. We'll have to make a run for it."

Duo's cheeks filled with air for a moment. "He's a predator. His buddies are going to back him up. He's not asking yer girls out for a picnic."

"What are we going to do," Madelyn wailed.

Pulling his jacket out of his pack, Duo's mind went to work. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I count about seventy-five people in this town, but the highway is right there. Once you get on the high way and get like twenty km out, they're not gonna hunt you down. I'm gonna distract'im, slow'im down if I can."

Both of them were looking at him as if he'd grown horns, but he finished fastening up his coat, rather hoping that they weren't noticing that it was both kevlar and singed by beam canon. His jaw shifted to the side, self consciously, as he pulled out a hefty fifty mm handgun. He chambered a bullet then gave both of them an ear-to-ear smile. "I'm not a boy scout, but always prepared."

Pale as snow, Madelyn turned to look at Alfred. "Who is he?"

Alfred made a dismissive wave. "He's Mac. He's been working here with me a bit. Now, boy, put that toy away, will you?"

"He's a little off then?"

"Oh I'm more than a little off," Duo agreed. He took a step out, assessed the leo standing expectantly at the end of the short little town. "When this bastard doesn't get home, people are going to come looking for it. Don't count on the fact that he's probably out without permission to help any of you. Go! What are you still standing here for?"

Alfred reached for Duo's arm, but missed when Duo side stepped. "You're going to take on a leo with a pistol?!"

"I haven't finished the plan yet," Duo admitted, "So you're wasting very good escape time."

Duo ran down the street until he was nearly at the feet of the leo, then aimed up at him, "Asshole! I got something for you!"

The leo shifted, its camera aiming down at him. He felt nothing as he aimed at the giant mecha, only logic, only the Shinigami will to kill his enemy.  Duo licked his upper lip, then shouted, "You like little girls, pig?"

As if he were no more than a bug, the leo lifted a foot the size of a small car, moving to stomp him. Duo waited till the last minute, then hit the ground, rolled behind the leo. If he had any luck, the pilot might think he'd squashed him already, at least for a moment. His bag swung from one shoulder and he spun, holstering his pistol in the holster he'd sewn into the inside the back of his jacket. From inside his pack, he pulled something that looked like a pistol, but with a large round mesh at the end. Holding that in his left hand he fired and the mesh at the leo's shoulder.

A moment later, the mesh having attached with a very firm electromagnetic connection, he triggered it to retract, which carried him rapidly up towards the back of the leo's neck.  The leo's pilot, realizing that the bug he'd tried to squash wasn't under his food, spun. The lift line was still long enough to give Duo some lift, nearly smashing him into a three story building. Running along the wall, his boots broke a window, but with a jump, he made it to solid wall again and pushed off hard, his lift line still contracting.

Whatever possessed the pilot, Duo didn't know, but the jackass turned on his beam saber and took off the top of the building, totally trumping the window Duo had taken out. Tucked up on the guy's shoulder, a foot braced on shoulder joint and his back against neck weaponry. It wasn't a stable position and it wasn't going to last long. Fishing around in his pack, he really didn't have a lot. His coat, his pistol, a hundred rounds of ammo, a black marker, two condoms, and an extra orange pop. Lips pursed, he grabbed the marker, blackened the bottle of pop as quick as he could, then repositioned his lift line so that he'd have something to hold onto as he scrambled up onto the head of the thrashing leo. He knew from experience that there were few things worse than not knowing what your enemy was up, fearing that your enemy might actually have some reasonable reason for thinking the could win an encounter with you, but you just didn't know what it was. Duo grinned, liking his still forming plan even more. After all, what kind of fool takes on a mobile suit with a pistol?

Sitting on the leo's head, lift line attached and wrapped around one leg as an anchor point, Duo opened his pop, took a long swig, then tore open a condom with his teeth, pulled the non-lubricated rubber sheath down over the pop bottle until it sealed, blackened the edges with the pen again, then shook the crap out of it. Fizz foaming and boiling in the bottle, pushing the thin rubber cap in to strange shapes, the bottle could have held all kinds of things from new corrosive acids to bio toxins of the worst kind.  Grinning ear-to-ear, Duo leaned over and held his prize in front of the leo's camera system. He let his arm sway, as if he weren't steady and was trying get really good aim. He was careful to make sure that he and his pistol weren't visible to the camera.

Biting his lip, he willed his plan to work.

Then the leo's pilot, really irritated and possibly over confident opened his hatch to climb out and dislodge his attacker. Duo used a single round, right between the man's eyes, sending him tumbling off and towards the dirt road below. Duo released his lift line, swung over and dropped into the cock pit. The hatched closed behind him. Brilliant pilot had left himself logged in and everything. It was going to be a good day!  Maybe he could completely save the town!

He scooped up the man he'd just killed, and walked off towards the lake, trying his best not to do any more damage to the little town or its people. By the time he got to the lake, he'd written a decent suicide note, explaining that he couldn't bring himself to mis use civilians and he couldn't live with the things he'd done. This note got sent to everyone in the man's command, including Khushrenada. That done, Duo pillaged any useful things, a few battery packs, the data of the base the leo had come from, and a kind of dusty med kit, then sent the leo and its pilot into the lake.

Feeling very pleased with himself, he wandered back to the highway. Waiting gave him nothing at all to do with the adrenaline he'd built up being Shinigami. He wished with all his might that he didn't know that the man he'd just killed had had brown eyes and a heart tattooed on the side of his neck. Those were details he didn't need.

He got a ride. He chattered about nothing. The woman driving gave him a bible, a bottle of water, and chocolate meal replacement bar. He was grateful for all three. She told him he was too young to be wandering around by himself. He totally agreed that it was a very dangerous world.

At the next town though, he used her phone, which she'd driven off without. He hoped she had insurance on it. He hadn't planned on seeing the others for a while. Nothing he'd done that day had been that out of the ordinary, but he wanted their company anyway. So he dialed into their message system, got a coded message telling him where the current safe house was, left the coded confirmation that told who ever was watching the system that he hadn't been coerced into contacting them. Before he could throw the phone away though, a text came through.

"This phone is your location?"

"Yes," he replied, a faint tempting hope wishing that Heero was going to come pick him up.

"Proceed one mile north, supermarket, green van."

"Okay," he agreed, just enough playful that he wasn't going to give Heero the acknowledged that he knew his sometimes lover wanted.

He took off at a fast paced walk, not a run, just a very urgent walk. The van was utterly inconspicuous and he kind of hoped it wasn't the safe house. He really wanted a shower, even if you can't wash brown eyes off. The side door opened. He hopped in.

Trowa was driving. Quatre in the front passenger seat, though the seat was turned around to face them. A chess board was set up and he and Heero were playing. Duo flopped down, utterly content in the moment to just go wherever they were going.

Where they were going turned out to be a little house on the edge of town. Wufei was there and looking very frustrated. The house smelled like noodles, homemade noodles from scratch and that made the war so far away.

"Did you get them?"

"Yes," Trowa said, passing the bag of groceries to Wufei.

"It smells delicious," Quatre said, hope in his voice.


"You have no idea how difficult this has been. I'm not really a cook."

"Then you shouldn't have volunteered," Trowa said, holding his hand out for Quatre.

"We're going to be here for a couple of months. We will die if we live on instant ramen and soda pop! Maxwell, you look like shit! Did you hit your face against a wall?"

"Leo, actually," Duo admitted, flopping down again, this time on the couch next to Heero. "You think you've had a bad day! I took out a leo with a pistol, a condom, and a bottle of pop."

Wufei rolled his eyes. "Idiot."

Heero lifted one hand from his keyboard, ran the back of his hand over Duo's cheek, then went back to writing the program he'd been working on.

This was home. Duo smiled contentedly, snuggled down on the couch, his head against Heero's knee and drifted off to sleep, only blue eyes in his thoughts. Home.


Anonymous said…
This was very well written

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