Skip to main content

Fear of Success and Food

Fear of Success, Addiction to Food

by Sebastian Blade

So I bought this book. It was a weight loss book. Wonderful secrets... oooh. And I spent several days thinking... I will start this great diet! I will do this! All this really managed to do was give me several really heavy cheat days where I ate anything I wanted before I started the diet. Fail.

Something else went on the last couple weeks too. I've struggled a lot with pen names over the last few years. Once upon a time my legal name wasn't also my real name and it gave me a lot more freedom... privacy, I guess.

So there was this guy I knew in the army. He was so beautiful. I had forgotten how much I loved him. So around New Years's he finds me on facebook. Great. Well, I don't love him anymore. He was a lying bastard then, but I'm the forgiving sort, so I start talking to him... and his wife jumps my ass the next morning. SO great.

I'm thinking I'll never see him again, but a week or so ago, I get this facebook message from someone who knows my kids names, but I don't recognize them. Well, I, of course, asked who they were. The reply came back, "We were friends in the army - more than friends."

Yeah... not adding that. There was only one person who could say that.

So after he didn't get added, he wrote that he hoped all the soldiers at Ft. Carson remember how talented I was.

Well, you know what? I only slept with him. It's not my fault he was banging anything that moved.

So I do need a little more privacy. I need not to worry about crazy people from the past showing up and saying rude things. I mean... who cares if some jerk wants to call me promiscuous? I wish I was promiscuous. :)

Now back to that diet book... Not only do I wish I was promiscuous (aside from waiting for that AIDS vaccine), but I wish I looked like Jet Li. I look like Santa Claus. This diet plan promised that if I ate only this thing... for this amount of time...then eventually I'll be thin.

But I just... I don't need to only eat lean protein. I need to change my relationship to food. I need to meet my needs. I need to get out and do things and get external validation. I can't sit home hoping to write something decent and someday... then I'll go make some friends and have some community.

I need that community now. So I'm going to make a detour on my way to my PhD... I'm going to get my cosmetology license. I'll have a little salon, study, write, draw, laugh every day with cool people and food... food needs to be what gets me through that day, not what medicates a depression that consumes me.

So many people have told me... do what makes you happy...

And I've always said I didn't know what would make me happy.

I think I did, I was just afraid I couldn't get it... that if I admitted what I needed was community and people and to belong, I won't be able to have that. I just have to keep trying :)

Believing I can meet that need, that I can find my home means I can let go of my addictions (food and diet coke) even if it's slow. I'm gonna be a hell of a make up artist :) You all can come by my salon any time.



Popular posts from this blog

Heart of Magic Chapters 1 & 2

Heart of Magic By Max All Rights Reserved Copyright 2017

“Are you lost,” he asked, voice amused, deep and as comfortable being in the shadow. Panting, the red silk of her gown moved against the curve of smooth breast, The same gown hugged her waist, slowed down behind her almost like a wedding train, but in the brightest red. Violet eyes stared up at him, trying to decide if he were a friend. The question was hard to answer. “I....” He leaned a little, his smile confident, engaged. Dark eyes seemed to swallow her whole as if she were a sugar cube melting in his champagne. “Well, what is it, my pretty cardinal?” Almost as if compelled, as if tell him the truth were her most sweetest desire, she admitted, “I came in with the offering girls because I’m looking for my brother. I think the king is holding him because he’s a journalist and an activist for democracy.” Both her hands covered her mouth, those violet eyes wide with shock. “You think the king keeps political prisoners,” he said, on ha…

Fic: Not Quite Single 1/?

Not Quite Single by Max
Disclaimer: I own neither Gundam Wing nor Captain America
“You’re right. There is definitely something there,” Hilde said. On the bridge of their little salvage craft, she touched the data display, the 3d image of the ice shelf they were exploring.
They were, technically, getting paid to disperse oceanographic sensors for the University of Tokyo. Doing a little salvage on the side was just a perk.
“What’cha think it is?” Duo asked, pulling his wet suit up over his shoulders. His hair was growing out again and was down past his shoulders if it wasn’t in a ponytail. Silver touched his temples, metallic and shimmery. Anti-aging technology kept him in peak condition, looking early twenties, at oldest. Anticipating his swim, the gills on the side of his throat opened, tingling pleasantly.
“Early plane, like fuck,” Hilde said. While she had always had a couple years on him, it didn’t show at all. Her hair was flame red curls now. One eye was completely artificial, thoug…

fic: Blood on the Brain 2/?

Blood on the Brain 2/?
by Max
Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing

As a side note, my blog now has all 13 chapters of Dark Wolf in one post.

The current ‘safe house’ had been a shipping container at some point in its life. Now buried under a landfill like a hobbit hole with door that used to be a refrigerator it had made a fine home for several months. Power came from solar collectors as well as thermal from sensors sunk deep into the raging pile of trash. The floor was a mosaic of broken glass grouted with some strange gunk that Quatre had mixed up, which made it smooth and pebbly.
The table had the top of a boxy car from way before any of them were born, cut off and mounted in the floor so that it looked like the had just sunk into the floor. Duo and Quatre had been drunk when the table got made. It still generated snickers.
They had a washing machine made out of a large spent artillery casing and an engine from something that had…