Fear of Success and Food

Fear of Success, Addiction to Food

by Sebastian Blade

So I bought this book. It was a weight loss book. Wonderful secrets... oooh. And I spent several days thinking... I will start this great diet! I will do this! All this really managed to do was give me several really heavy cheat days where I ate anything I wanted before I started the diet. Fail.

Something else went on the last couple weeks too. I've struggled a lot with pen names over the last few years. Once upon a time my legal name wasn't also my real name and it gave me a lot more freedom... privacy, I guess.

So there was this guy I knew in the army. He was so beautiful. I had forgotten how much I loved him. So around New Years's he finds me on facebook. Great. Well, I don't love him anymore. He was a lying bastard then, but I'm the forgiving sort, so I start talking to him... and his wife jumps my ass the next morning. SO great.

I'm thinking I'll never see him again, but a week or so ago, I get this facebook message from someone who knows my kids names, but I don't recognize them. Well, I, of course, asked who they were. The reply came back, "We were friends in the army - more than friends."

Yeah... not adding that. There was only one person who could say that.

So after he didn't get added, he wrote that he hoped all the soldiers at Ft. Carson remember how talented I was.

Well, you know what? I only slept with him. It's not my fault he was banging anything that moved.

So I do need a little more privacy. I need not to worry about crazy people from the past showing up and saying rude things. I mean... who cares if some jerk wants to call me promiscuous? I wish I was promiscuous. :)

Now back to that diet book... Not only do I wish I was promiscuous (aside from waiting for that AIDS vaccine), but I wish I looked like Jet Li. I look like Santa Claus. This diet plan promised that if I ate only this thing... for this amount of time...then eventually I'll be thin.

But I just... I don't need to only eat lean protein. I need to change my relationship to food. I need to meet my needs. I need to get out and do things and get external validation. I can't sit home hoping to write something decent and someday... then I'll go make some friends and have some community.

I need that community now. So I'm going to make a detour on my way to my PhD... I'm going to get my cosmetology license. I'll have a little salon, study, write, draw, laugh every day with cool people and food... food needs to be what gets me through that day, not what medicates a depression that consumes me.

So many people have told me... do what makes you happy...

And I've always said I didn't know what would make me happy.

I think I did, I was just afraid I couldn't get it... that if I admitted what I needed was community and people and to belong, I won't be able to have that. I just have to keep trying :)

Believing I can meet that need, that I can find my home means I can let go of my addictions (food and diet coke) even if it's slow. I'm gonna be a hell of a make up artist :) You all can come by my salon any time.



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